Barbie's Letter to Santa Claus
      
      Dear Santa,
      	Listen, you little troll, I've been helping you out every year, 
playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing 
suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea 
parties, and I hate to break it to ya, but it's DEFINETLY payback time! 
There had better be some changes around here this year, or I'm gonna 
call for a nationwide meltdown, and trust me, you won't wanna be around 
to smell it.  So, here are my demands:

1) A nice, comfy pair of sweatpants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt.  
I'm sick of looking loke a hooker.  How much smaller are those bathing 
suits gonna get?  Do you have any idea what it feels like to have  nylon 
and velcro crawling up your butt?

2) Real underwear that can be pulled on and off.  Preferably white and 
cotton.  What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation 
underwear to my skin?!?  It looks like cellulite!

3) Breast reduction surgery, please!  I don't care whose arm you have 
to twist, just get it done.  And a sports bra to wear until I get the  
surgery.

4) A new career.  Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it.  How 
about a systems anaylist or martial arts instructor?  Or better yet, an 
advertising account exec!

5) A new, more 90s persona.  Maybe "PMS Barbie," complete with a 
miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and bag of 
chips; "Animal Rights Barbie," with my very own paint gun, outfitted 
with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a 
removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

6) No more McDonald's endorsements.  The grease is starting to wreck my 
vinyl.

7) A REAL man... maybe GI Joe.  Hell, I'd take Tickle Me Elmo over that 
wimp of a boyfriend, Ken.  And what's with the earring anyway?  If I'm 
gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically 
correct.

8) Mattel stock options.  It's been nearly 40 years- I deserve it.

9) Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp 
away once he is anatomically correct.
OK Santa, that's it.  Considering my valuble contribution to society, I 
don't think these requests are out of line.  If you disagree, then you 
can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas.  It's that 
simple.
  				Yours truly,
          				Barbie
     				Dreamhouse
      				Malibu, CA
      
           
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Ken's Letter to Santa Claus
    
    Dear Santa,
   	I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for 
changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career 
changes.  In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks 
were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion 
choices.  I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some of 
the issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.
    	First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie 
DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment- the bitch has everything.  I, 
along with Joe, Jem, and Raggedy Ann and Andy, DO NOT have a dreamhouse, 
corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to change our 
hair style.  I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix 
and match at great length.  My decision to accessorize my outfits with 
an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.  I too 
would like a change in career.  Have you ever considered "Decorator 
Ken," "Beauty Salon Ken," or "Out-of-Work Actor Ken?"  And as for Barbie 
needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I could use bendable 
knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb.
     	In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions 
to the blonde bimbo from hell will result in action taken by myself and 
others.
    	And Barbie can forget about Joe- he's mine.
     				
   
            				Sincerely,
         				   Ken