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Fade to Black

Drip...drip...drip.  My arm is beginning to throb now, but I can't stop
yet.  My left hand is starting to shake.  Sweat is beading on my forehead
as I struggle with my muscles to hold the knife steady.  Drip...drip...I
can't let my nerves fail me, not yet.  I hear myself cry out as I push
the point deeper into my flesh.  Quickly I muffle the scream, I can't
risk anyone discovering me yet, not until I'm finished.  Drip...drip...

Slowly I drag the knife down my arm, the salty tears and sweat mix in my
eyes blurring my vision.  The knife keeps sliding down my arm.  I can't
really feel it now, it's as light as a feather.  Drip...drip... it
actually kind of tickles.

I squeeze my eyes shut tightly to drain away the tears and when I open
them, I see my arm swimming clearly before me.  It's beautiful.  Streams
of glistening red blood coil down my arm, circling my wrist and my
fingers.  To me, it looks as though an artist has taken his shiny, metal
paint brush and created a tangle of red vines occasionally surging the
paint into a blossoming red flower.  Drip...  My eyes dance along my arm
in wonder and my head becomes light and happy.

The weights are being lifted from my frail body.  I feel as if I can do
anything.  If I wanted to, I could dance, or run, or I could fly away. 
There is no more pressure, to be anything, to do anything, to fail
anyone.  Drip...drip...

Set free from my oppression, I rise quickly to my feet and leap into the
air.  I can be a ballerina, graceful and strong.  Flying through the air,
spinning, twirling... smiling.  Feeling that I belong.  Feeling that I am
loved.

The ground rises quickly and slams against my body knocking the air from
my lungs.  The weights which  I had been freed of came crashing down on
me now ten times stronger than before, smothering me and choking me. 
"No!", I heard myself scream.  "It wasn't supposed to be this way, I was
free, I was alive!".

More and more weight piled on top of me crushing me so tightly my lungs
could no longer expand.  Stars flashed across my vision as panic took
possession of my body.  I was fading away, everything was fading away, the
chairs...the lamp...the floor...the light.  I'm alone fading  into black.
 "Oh God, help me!"  I clutch my arms to my chest.  A warmth begins to
drain over me, starting at my chest and expanding outward.  I realize
that it is my own blood and I am alone. 
Drip...drip...drip..._____________________________________________________


dedicated to those who felt that they were too alone to find another way

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